The wound is the place where the light enters you - Rumi
TW // Sexual Assault
For as long as I can remember, life has felt difficult. Growing up, everyday used to be a battle with my thoughts, feelings, tears, fear, love for my family or just doing ordinary things. I used to feel like an onlooker, always seeing myself as incapable or deficient in some way. I never understood how people looked forward to being alive. Why was I like that? Why don’t I remember ever laughing till my tears come out or feeling joy that made me giddy?
I went through my teenage years dealing with emotions that I never understood. My inner demons showed up through eating disorders, social ineptness, crippling self-doubt, non-existent self-esteem and putting myself in potentially dangerous situations. At the age of 28, when I finally visited a psychiatrist after my husband of 2 months found me crying and shaking uncontrollably in a corner, she told me something that changed everything – “It’s like you’ve been living with an unmedicated fever all your life, it’s time to treat you”.
Since then, the journey of healing has been an incredibly difficult one with ups and downs I had never experienced before. It tore me apart from some people in my life but also helped me connect with others without whom I would not be here today.
Every small step I took needed courage, from going alone for a walk outside my building, meeting a friend, writing my thoughts every night before sleeping, to opening up to my family about my mental health.
This is one of the biggest steps I’m about to take. I’ve decided to reveal a part of myself, to talk about it, to let it stop controlling everything I do and think. I was raped when I was 5 years old, and it was NOT my fault. It was not because I went cycling, it was not because I was wearing a dress, it was not my fault for trusting the adult world. I was just a child. It happened.
Of course, that had a major role in making me who I am. Maybe that’s why I have depression and anxiety that I can’t seem to kick, or that’s why I’m afraid all the time, or maybe even why I don’t like hearing or saying my own name! I’ll never know how or what changed because of it. All I know is that I want to get better and be okay - everyday I wake up and do the best that I can. It’ll take time to heal my inner child, to release the past and forgive others. But today, I can confidently say that after a lot of work, I’ve been able to (on most days) forgive and love myself.
Looking back, I feel proud of what I’ve been able to achieve by fighting and hoping to grow with every situation. I’m learning that it’s okay to be vulnerable - it’s what allowed me to be authentic in my relationships. I’m learning how to appreciate the broken pieces in me and reframe my own narrative - it’s what helped me to see myself in a way I hadn’t before. I’m learning how to celebrate the small wins - it’s what helped me to develop my self-esteem. I’m learning that it’s okay to falter sometimes and start over - it’s what makes us human.
If I could send a message to my younger self, it would be this: It’s going to be a long road ahead. For now, just let yourself be free, dance like there’s no tomorrow or cry when you feel the need to, but just be kind to those who love you and to yourself.
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